I am undeserving

I had Yash at the age of 22 & I had Ralee at the age of 23. I managed, mannn did I manage. We moved from Mooi River to Richards Bay and stayed on our own. There was no family nearby to help, or to even give me a break for a few hours. Now, at the age of 26, I have popped out baby number 3. So many wonderful people are feeding me words of encouragement and here I am, feeling so undeserving.

I’ve had people give me wonderful compliments. My neighbour always says to me that I’m definitely made of something else and that I’m strong and that she doesn’t know how I do it. My friends tell me that I’m so young but I’m handling this three kids business so well. My aunt called me up the other day and said to me how proud she is of me because I’m such a good mum. But am I? Because I don’t feel like I’m all that.

My days don’t begin, because they never seem to end. My elder two sleep through the night but my little bundle doesn’t. She gets up at night to be fed, held and carried. NIYASH (our small business), had become quiet busy so I have been working at night as well. My other two kids wake up quiet early and then they want stuff immediately. I can’t really blame them, their 3 & 4 years old, what else are they going to do?

My entire day goes doing housework, websites, bathing, feeding, changing, playing, shouting, refereeing and taking care of accidents and injuries.

There are days that I don’t eat or sleep or I have to wait the entire day, just to go to the toilet in peace. Some days are harder than others, there’s three children screaming and crying and sometimes, even I am crying. I’m all alone with three kids, making food, cleaning up, even having a bath is an uphill battle some days.

My husband is far away and only available through video call during the week. The children are very hard to handle as well and some days I shout more than I want to, I give a shot on the bum here and there and then I cry to myself because I feel awful for screaming, shouting and especially for giving that bum shot.I whisper apologies and shower soft kisses to them when its time for bed.

My hair is never done, I’m always in pajamas because it means less washing, even though I clean daily (okay, well I try to), my house looks like hurricane Katrina hit it thrice! Painting my nails, getting dressed, wearing real shoes, all of those things are things of the past for me. I don’t even get a chance to put on some Labello!😂😂

Going through these motions every day doesn’t make me feel like the AMAZING mother that everyone is making me out to be. I feel so undeserving of everyone’s praise. After all, this is what a mother is supposed to do right? So I’m not doing anything special right?

In fact, I feel like a bad mom. I scold my kids and wack them at times. I cry sometimes out of frustration. Some days, I skip the clean up, I let the washing lie for one extra day, I feed my kids nuggets and chips for supper instead of some perfectly healthy, dietician approved meal. Truth is, every day is hard and knowing that every day is hard makes me feel way less than super woman.

How do you other moms with multiples handle this? How do you get through the hard days? I sing. To be honest, I sing.. badly, but I don’t let that stop me. I mean, every day is not a bad day and its not a bad day, ALL DAY. we have our moments in between in which my kids sit with me, I pay attention to each of them, I listen to them and play with them. I give in to their requests and do at least one activity that they thoroughly enjoy. We sing, dance and draw. They also want to help out with the baby and I let them do the bare minimum to make them feel included. There’s a moment in every day in which I smother them with love, just to remind them that even though I do shout, they are still my whole world and I love them to infinity and beyond.

Some people say to me that some mothers won’t be able to deal with the pressure of looking after 3 kids, running a business, seeing to the house and not having a husband around. Lots of mothers have confessed this to me as well, telling me that they might just go insane if they had to do it. Let me tell you, I totally understand. Sometimes, I feel as though I am being driven to insanity with my children’s tantrums, attitudes, fights and refusals to listen but after I take that breath (mentally telling myself to Woosa). I remember that they are children just like baby Myra, their understanding is limited to their age and they too just want a life of playing, being fed, bathed and attended to. I can’t blame them for being what they are; kids.

You see, that’s motherhood. It’s what I signed up for even though it was unplanned. I fail to see what’s so amazing about doing what I’m doing. On certain days, when my children are unruly and doing the worst types of things ever, I feel as though I’ve failed as a mother but the thing about kids that are this small, is that I still have the time to correct the bad behavior, so I remind myself that no, I have not failed because they can still be taught right from wrong and they still can be corrected.

When people start complimenting me, I don’t know what to say. I really do feel as though I don’t deserve so many nice things said about me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, everyone likes to hear good things but for some reason, hearing this makes me feel as though I’m guilty somehow. Don’t ask me of what, because I don’t know, but that’s just the feeling it gives me.

Simone Gobin is a 24 year old, it graduate, wife to Avi and mother to Yash & Ralee Gobin. She spends her days being a mother and a wife. She has decided to start a blog as a creative outlet as well as connect with other parents. Her belief is that there is a lot to learn from other parents out there and she welcomes all advice possible.

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